1 2 3 4 5 6 7 R H E DBacks 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 19 0 0 MC Royals 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 0 0
First off, nice to have family come see the Royals' offense have a good day. Jeff Britton and Larry Mortemore both had nice performances, so it was great to have Ginger and MaryAnn see it in person. Vote in the comments below if you were a "Ginger" or "MaryAnn" guy back in the day. Sorry Ma, we're calling you "Ginger" from now on.
Biggest highlight of the Royals' day was David Lucas' bases-clearing double late in the game. He got great wood on that one. Back in the dugout his manager asked "you got such good wood on everything today, what's your secret?" To wit David replied "I dunno, I just woke up this way."
Another big friggin' deal was James Robertson finally got the monkey off his back with an RBI single. When James was running to first, the ground shook so hard the monkey couldn't hold on. Sadly, the monkey fell to his death. Services will be held on Friday at the Simian Sanctuary and Chapel.
Gerry Garcia pitched the first shutout inning of the game, starting for the Diamondbacks. Gerry had watched a movie about Dock Ellis this afternoon, so he decided to try Dock's approach to pitching. The acid kicked-in in the 3rd inning and he got in a groovy-zone stranding runners in scoring position for the goose egg.
The nicest defensive play of the game was Larry Moretemore's nice scoop on a low throw from the shortstop deep in the hole. Larry said "hey, they called me 'Tonto Dombrowski' in college, if you wanna know how to play deep in the hole, you ask me."
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 R H E Lugnuts 0 2 0 0 0 0 2 4 1 McRoyals 2 4 2 6 2 16 17 0
The Royals and Lugnuts have a lot of love between them; it's great to get on a field with these guys. Including the umps we probably had 30 fun-loving guys on the field, and no matter the score, we all had a good time. I want to give a hats-off salute to the umpires who helped lead the game in that direction. Lou was perfect in the field, and gosh I wish I knew the home-plate umpire's name. Let me tell you about his strike zone...
...It's a little bigger than most - adding a little high and quite a bit outside, which I think is PERFECT for a league like this. None of the pitchers are "great" anymore, so it gives them a place to throw strikes and be effective. It also forces the batter to swing at strikes. It keeps guys from just taking pitches as a strategey. All of those things make the game more fun, and I think this particular strike zone is among the best in the league....keep up the good work!
Mark Wrubel was the starter for the Lugnuts and was pretty good - except the Royal bats exploded with a lot of bloops, 'tweeners and bad-hop hits. 17 in all, and only 2 you would say were hit hard - more like "hit hardly," which, ironically, would be grammatically correct. Jeff young and Mark Suyama hit back-to-back XBs in the 3rd inning; Jeff with his first triple of the year (to tie Jim for the league lead) and Mark hit his first double (which puts him in an 18-way tie for 18th place in the league).
Both defenses were outstanding. Only 1 error was tallied, and it was on a stolen base, so no batters reached on errors. Great job both teams. Gotta say, the outstanding defensive player on either side was Yukon Don from the Nuts. He showed range at shortstop you normally only see in the 18-and-overs. Unfortunately, Don has a pretty severe case of acne right now...something else you normally only see in the 18-and-overs.
It's hard to pick an individual batter as being outstanding because almost everyone on the Royals was on base twice or more. However, Jeff Young and Mark Suyama (q.v. XB hits) were on base 8 times in 8 trips, so both of them were perfect. And it doesn't stop there...with Mark's rockstar jaw line and Jeff's sunrise eyes, there is perfection wherever they go.
The Lugs had some perfection of their own. Bob Leathly contributed a 2-for-2 day, plus a run and stolen base. Bob was also 2-for-2 in the Lottery tickets he bought at 7-11 after the game. He cashed those tickets and was 2-for-2 betting it all on Roulette at Motor City Casino. Finally he took the winnings, which was several thousand dollars and bought himself a pair of twins hookers and came out even. What a day for Bob!
The Royals' pair of Jeffs (Britton and Young) made their pitching debuts today, and they were both awesome. They both pitched shutout innings and racked up at least one strikeout. They held a special meeting after the game and declared themselves "the bullpen." Normally I would crack a joke about that, but you guys were both excellent, no joke.
Wait...I can't end it like that...you...you...you both smell like farts! (phew better)
Andy Cohen, Firebirds' first baseman, hit the lottery for $300k, so he treated his team to a round of cosmetic surgery. Everyone got the full works, chin lift, eyes, jowls. They are a beautiful lot to behold. It showed in their confidence rocking the Royals pitching for 7. "That's the most runs I've seen since I got stuck in the hunting cabin for 3 days with nothing but 8 cans of dog food" Jim said.
Andy also knocked Jim out of the game with a shot to the arm in the 6th. It left an imprint of the ball, including Mike Juliano's signature on the inside of the elbow. "It's pretty cool to hear someone got your name tattoed on their arm, I'm flattered" Mike said.
Nate Moore was fantastic behind the plate, calmly catching every ball in the dirt. "I don't know why some dudes don't like to go down, I love to go down and get dirty."
Best play of the game was by one of the Jeffs. Jeff Young made several long-running catches, but the most impressive may have been Jeff Britton's wide range left, into first baseman territory, to get the batter at first. After the game, we sat around socializing, and it was "bullpen this" and "bullpen that." I guess awesomeness never gets old.
The Indians took the first contest, the baseball game, in a nail-biter, coming down to wire. The Royals, however, demoilished all opponents in closing down the parking lot, besting not only the Indians, but the softballers as well. We'll show you who's boss in the end.
Hats off to Klieman starting for the Indians. Good stuff and good location. We're not sure if this was on purpose, but he pitched his entire game with toilet paper sticking out of his left heel. Lou asked if we wanted him to take it off, and we said "no, it's hilarious."
Doug Fry did an awesome job for the Royals as well. Roumor has it Doug is actually Doug Henning, the famed magician, who took a new name from the Witness Protection Program. His favorite trick nowadays is the disappearing slider.
Jose Medina was the big bat for the Royals, hitting a couple bombs. I thought they should have all been triples...but I'm not a catcher. José fue el mejor bateador del juego. Puedes ver los nombres en la parte posterior de las camisetas cuando están persiguiendo la pelota.
Mark Suyama was asked to pley a less-comfortable third base, but he came through in stellar fashion. And by that, I mean after the game he quickly changed into a metallic blue liesure suit with lime green trim. The platform shoes really set it off, too.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 R H E McRoyals . . . . . . . 19 D'Backs . . . . . . . 9
Both offenses clicked today with steady scoring throughout the game. Royals' hitting coach Ike Blessitt remarked "I been tellin' those guys to swing the bat, and today they finally did...shiit."
In addition, both defenses played terrific games...not perfect, but terrific. Coach Blessitt added "You just catch the ball and throw the ball, it's easy ... shiit."
The best defensive play of the game belongs to Tracy Conyer (coaching first base for the DBacks). Tracy made a bare-handed snag on a well-hit foul ball. He said "Coach Ike been hittin' alotsa ground balls and I'm getting good hands...REALLY good hands...and really good when I use both hands. Now I need a 3rd hand to hold my phone."
One of the guys that played hit the farthest bomb today...but I suppose statistically SOMEONE has to hit the hardest ball. Congratulation anonymous player, you're a statistic.
There Were Like, 29 Guy Out Having A Good Time Playing Ball (my longest headline of the year)
It took a while for the offenses to kick in, but they eventually did. The McRoyals hit their stride earlier and harder than the McFirebirds (both available at McDonald's, by the way, for a limited time only) and that was the difference in the game.
Doug Fry was the Royals' starter and was terrific for several innings. After the game he realized, "I probably can last longer if I think about baseball."
Mark Stanisz was the first of several Royals batter to turn around one of the Firebirds' outfielders with his double to left field. Mark also turned around center fielder Joe Pistono, but that was when Mark and Joe were playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey and singing that famous Sir Mix A Lot hit song.
Funniest play of the game: Firbird stealing second, throw down from the catcher hit Doug Fry (pitcher) in the shoulder. Doug said "too bad it hit me, it FEELS like he would have been out....ow."
On the day when the U.S. Senate met for the first time since John McCain's passing, the Lugnuts and Royals threw together an athletic competition, something to thrill the crowd...and we did have a good crowd on hand. Most were here to see the baseball game, but some had come specifically for Jeff Young's autograph. Ever since he did that Speedo commercial down in Miami, Paparazi follows him like flies on Shittake mushrooms.
Jeff really delivered today whilst braving the spotlight. 2 innings pitched, 0 hits, 0 walks, and earns his first win as an MSBL pitcher. It truly was a dominating pitching performance. Heck, he even added a 2-RBI double so his day kept getting better. It didn't even start there...Jeff got out of work early and went for a full-body massage; he won a pair of tickets to Wrestlemania from a radio station when he called in a correct answer; won $7 with an Instant Lottery ticket; he didn't have to cook or clean his dinner, and that boil finally popped.
The offensive heros of the day were the Lugnuts top two hitters, Don Ukrainec and Mitch Kotsuda. Don had 3 hits, while Mitch tallied 2 hits and a walk. They both scored a run, and they both came up with garlic cloves in the Bobbing For Apples booth at the park after the game. It's going to take days to get rid of that breath.
Doug Fry had an offensive triple triple: 3 hits, a triple and 3 runs scored. After the game he said "heck, I oughta have a three-way with some triplets..."
Tom Richards pitched a swell 3 innings to earn his 2nd save of the season. Tom also started the rare 1-2-3 putout play. This is normally not in our playbook, but it was improvised by Mark Suyama who was catching. Luckily, Mark also improvised a treatment for Tom's hemorrhoids. You sit on the metal toilets at Clawson and flush - quick freeze.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 R H E Royals 1 5 6 0 2 0 14 19 2 Nationals 0 1 0 1 0 3 5 8 2
There was a young man from Nantucket Who had 50 balls in a bucket He said with a grin While wiping his chin "Nats and Royals, sounds fun!" he did trumpet
Mark Stanisz did make four trips In all he did tally 4 hits "When I see my wife" "You can bet your life" "I'll rub my face in her ... moisturizing cream"
Doug Fry was a hero at bat Mark Sumaya wore the wrong hat The umps were good Royals flashed some wood Ginger and MaryAnn saw it all, how 'bout that?
Jim McWilliams, the Royals' starting pitcher pick Made some nice plays and also swang a good stick "But I'd trade it all" "to get back that ball" "that gave up the two hits to Mike Kirunchyk"
Jean-Claude Lewis' three hits were alright After the game he was quite forthright "with a game like that" "You bet your ass" "I'll be batting leadoff again Tuesday night"
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 R H E Nationals 5 2 2 0 0 0 9 9 0 McRoyals 0 1 0 1 1 1 4 9 2
It's hard to be mad at your buddies for winning the ball game, especially when they are all such swell guys. And by "swell guys" I mean most of them have swollen a bit ... mostly in the middle.
The game came down to a showdown of superstars. Ken McHenry vs. Doug Fry. Doug was the most-effective pitcher of the night, throwing 2 innings allowing only one runner to reach first base. Ken was effective without being dominant, getting into trouble, then pitching out of it - but he pitched a complete game and held the lead for 6 innings. He also had a grand time dancing to the Royals' walk-up music. His Irish Jig was a bit more like a Highland Fling, but close enough for Rock and Roll. Doug, on the other hand was also the best hitter in the game tonight. He reached base all 3 trips to the plate. 2 hits, 2 runs scored, an RBI and a stolen base. That's 6 in Pick the Stick.
Ken and Doug's simpatico started before the game when Ken waved a bus into the parking lot. Doug then, convinced the Oakland Community College cheerleaders to forget the football game and come cheer for us. Way to go, guys!
Defensive jems would include the Jim to Brit to Mort double play; Mark Su's ice cream cone to end the 7th; Doug Bima's catch to save extra bases. And now to our field correspondent, Kermit the Frog...Kermit...
"After looking into these supposed defensive jems headlines, it seems that what actually happened was Jim, Brit, and Mort pooled their money but could afford only 2 hookers; Mark Suyama DID hail the ice cream truck at the end of the game; Doug Bima found a loophole in the land lease that will keep Selfridge open."
Tigers win the baseball game, Royals win the beer in the parking lot contest.
'Twas a classic pitcher's duel. Greg McGlone took a no-hitter into the 6th, while Jim McWilliams allowed no earned runs in the game. Both pitchers tossed 5 consecutive shutout innings. Greg got the win, while Jim notched a complete game. Greg downed 5 shots of Tequila after the game, but Jim told 6 amusing stories that made teammates laugh - edge, Jim.
The shortstops both turned in excellent games as well. Doug Fry for the home Royals, and Gary Murawa for the visiting Tigers. Gary may have made the nicest play of the evening with a backhand deep in the hole. That was in the parking lot after the game - he made some nice plays during the game also. Doug had the best offensive play of the game, forcing a run-down so the go-ahead run could score (2 RBI). For the slam-dunk, Doug leads the league in post-game beers ... and when the last of the Tigers pulled out of the parking lot, and we clinched the nightcap, Doug said "I'll drink to that!" - edge, Doug.
Jeff Britton was the only Royal to get on base twice. Jeff tallied a walk and hit before he was finally retired by the Tiger's closer. Then, after the game he took a stroll to Nate's car and had another walk and a hit. All the while, Ronnie Elswick was the standout player not previously mentioned. not only did he go 2-for-3 with 2 runs and a stolen base, but he had 4 assists and 2 put-outs against the top 4 hitters of the Royals' lineup. Ronnie stayed for 2 beers, but Jeff tossed back a gallon box of Mogen David, showed us how to make an Alaskan Flambe, and then saved a puppy from getting killed by the train - edge, Jeff.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 R H E Royals 0 0 2 1 2 3 9 16 1 Firebirds 4 2 0 2 1 1 10 12 1
Congratulation to the Firebirds for winning the opening playoff round. What you don't know is that we had someone sneak a clove of garlic in every car in the parking lot, so good luck finding that smell.
Funniest quotes from after the game came from our skipper, Jean-Claude Lewis when he related at one time he was considered the Porn King, then later quipped "Nate's my man-butt." Let's let that be it for the game recap. Since this is the last time I have your attention this season, I'm going to recap the season as a whole. We begin by posting the stat leaders.
AVG* Jim .508 H J.C., Doug 34 R Jim 31 RBI Mark St. 21 SB Jean-Claude 23
ERA** Tom 3.82 W Doug, Tom 3 SO Tom 15 IP Doug 31.2
* = minimum 60 PA **= minimum 19 IP
The season itself was a year of great optimism, then despair, followed by renewed hope, and finally our dreams trampled like so much manure in a cow field...in that order.
Don't let the team leader stats fool you. David Lucas was by far our best hitter of the season, he just can't make all 25 games. His .679 AVG would have led the league if only he had enough PA to qualify. He does qualify for AARP benefits though, so he's all set.
Best defensive season had to be Doug Fry. It's not surprising a shortstop wins this, but this team has 3 or 4 legit shortstops. Our cream of the crop was Doug. He just never had a slump in the field. Where he did experience a slump is personal and not to be discussed here.
Pitching is more difficult to nail-down. 3 guys all have valid arguments in their favor. The Glamour Stats were swept by Tom Richards, leading the team in ERA, Wins, Strikeouts, and age. In fact, he's so old, his AARP benefits have run out.
You could make a case for Doug Fry, leading in Wins with no losses and also leading in Inning Pitched. But since we already called him out for defense, he gets second-billing.
Jim McWilliams led in all the stats nobody cares about, except the guy that led in them. Fewest walks per 9 innings, lowest opponent's batting average, and of course WHIP. Jim also led the league in girly drinks, so let's stop while we're ahead. (too late)
The after-game drinking champion was a close race, maybe too close to call. Plenty of guys closed down the lot, but for sheer number of beers consumed per game, it may be a tie between Doug Fry and Mark Stanisz. Mark would top it off with more bourbon, but that doesn't quite make up for missing a few games...so the champ is declared Doug.
That means Doug is mentioned for Pitching, Fielding, and Drinking - but let's not forget he batted .472 and was 2nd in both Runs and RBIs. I guess that makes Doug the MVP, and being a bachelor, that means Most Vaginas Penetrated.
For the rest of the guys I haven't mentioned yet, great job. We had 13 players hit over .300. But more jokes will have to wait until next year. It's almost 3:00am and I have to work in the morning.
Motor City Royals Schedule